“If you could play porn music on your didgeridoo, I would be beyond impressed.”
-TheCEO
Blog
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Which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about my professional life
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The pragmatic approach
“On those days when you run out of clean underwear… that’s where you really see the benefits of the lifestyle.”
-Sporty, sharing one of the great joys of lesbianism. -
Pater familias
A brief conversation I enjoyed this morning, while dropping the twins off at daycare.
Daycare lady: “I’m jealous of (other daycare lady) — she was talking about all the free time she has, going out on dates… I think I’m going to have to get rid of my husband.”
Me: “It’s not being married. It’s having kids. That’s what kills your ability to have fun.”
Daycare lady: (looking warmly at my girls) “But we wouldn’t change it for the world, would we?”
Me: (long pause)
Daycare lady: “You don’t mean that.”
Me: (long pause)
Daycare lady: (stare of death)
Me: “What I’m thinking is that if I sold them off, I could probably finance a really nice vacation.”
Daycare lady: (shaking head)
Me: “Do you think I could get more if I sold them off individually, or as a matched set? Because I’m thinking one at a time is the way to go.”
Daycare lady: (grabbing twins’ hands and walking away)
They hate me at daycare.
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In which I reveal myself as a geek
Confession: I love fantasy sports. I do. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved what statistics do (and don’t) tell you about sports. I was one of those 9-year olds who inhaled data from the back of cards enriched with cheap chewing gum dust. I breathed it like air. Off the top of my head, I could quote you Jim Rice’s HR totals year-by-year, as well as how many total bases he had during his 1978 MVP Season (406 — matching Ted Williams’ average in 1941) and the town in South Carolina where he was born (Anderson).
I was the 10-year old who would happily spend days pouring through the Complete Handbook of Baseball — and who looked forward to the new edition coming out each year. On the relatively rare occasions when I’d actually get to Fenway Park, my excitement at getting my hands on a program – full of up-to-date stats, facts and figures – almost matched my excitement at being at the game itself.
Even as I grew older and my appreciation for the game (and for other sports) grew and deepened – and as I learned to absorb the subtleties and not-so-subtleties of the subcultures that grow in and around a sport – I never lost that sense of fascination with statistics. I realized that numbers did not define the game, but they were a valuable tool for helping you to analyze and understand it on a deeper level — and as someone who grew up a Red Sox fan the same way that other people grow up Catholic or Jewish, I treasured that knowledge deeply.
All of which made the rise of online fantasy sports a boon to me. Here, at last, was a way for me to indulge my geekery — to follow, day-by-day, the rise and fall in the fortunes of dozens of players as defined by trends in their statistical performance. This isn’t to say that my longtime interest in the field has allowed me to dominate every league I participate in, but it’s enabled me to be competitive. Being competitive empowers me to stay interested. And by staying interested… I keep learning.
The point being: my MLB league held our draft last night. 12-team league, straight roto approach, 3-keeper holdover from the previous season, 22 rounds. It’s a league I’ve been a part of for 4 or 5 years now, and while I only actually know 2 of the other players in person… I’ve gotta say that our live virtual draft is always one of the most enjoyable nights of my year.
(say it with me now: GEEK!)
I won’t bore you with the draft results. But at 11pm last night – an hour when I’m usually sleeping, or holding on to an unhappy small child and desperately wishing I were asleep – I was sitting at my computer, virtually trash talking the other “managers,” and feeling impossibly excited by the fact that Adam Wainwright had fallen to the 19th round.
It’s a small joy. And probably a stupid and pointless one. But last night, it was mine.
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The last thing I remember from a dream I was having right before the third (but not last) time I was awakened by a child last night
“A fucking blimp just hit my fucking house! And I’m not even kidding!”
– The context is a little fuzzy, but I recall I was on a phone looking out a window when I saw a large passenger blimp pull a u-turn in the sky, burst into flames, and then crash into the lawn directly in front of me. Apparently, even in flaming zeppelin dream-state, I felt a need to explain why I was cutting the call short before I hung up.Sorry. Not sure why I decided to share that.
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Love is a Mix Tape
Eleven songs that capture my swerve in action:
1. Eels: Ugly Love
Because as E – your friend and mine – says so beautifully, “My kind of love is an ugly love, but it’s real and it lasts a long long time.” You can feel free to construe that as either a threat or a promise, but you’ll probably find it helpful up front to think of my affection for you as a kind of fungus. A fungus of love.2. A Flock of Seagulls: Space Age Love Song
Because it is the space age, baby, and me and my big bad Flock of Seagulls haircut are falling ass over teakettle for you. Let that mental image linger for a little bit, and see how much it turns you on.3. East River Pipe: Shiny, Shiny Pimpmobile
Because when you ride with me, baby, you will ride in comfort and style. I know that when you ponder how I roll, you think of that little powder blue Toyota Tercel that once hauled me up and down I-95. But that was then, baby, and this is now — and I promise, I will always wrap you in pleather and pimpulation.4. Peter Holsapple and Chris Stamey: I Know You Will
Because, like gravity and oxygen, I will become an elemental force in your life. My pull is inexorable. Do not fight the love.5. Sea Stories: Wonderful Things
Because that is what life with me is all about, baby: wonderful, wonderful things. And isn’t that what you deserve? A day without me is like a day without sunshine.6. Midsummer: Silent Blue
Because your eyes are as blue as the sea of my love for you is large. Let me say that to you again in French: Tes yeux sont aussi bleus que la mer de mon amour pour toi est grande. Did you like that, baby? From now on, let’s speak to each other in the universal language… of love.7. The Magnetic Fields: Long Vermont Roads
Because I’m not done talking about your eyes, baby. I’ve been told they are the windows to your soul (or your supersoul, as the case may be). Is that right? Because I’m staring at your windows… and I like what I see.8. Bill Morrissey: Birches
Because when I look at you, I think forward to a day when we will be old and gray together. Will you still be hot? I sure hope so.9. Kitchens of Distinction: Come On Now
Because the very thought of you wipes away the grime and drudgery of the world, and I know I do the same for you. I will be your shining beacon of hope. Which is similar but not identical to a bacon of hope, although I realize there are times when nothing offers more hope than bacon. For you, I will be the bacon.10. The Meeting Places: Love Like The Movies
Because ours will be an epic passion, baby, worthy of immortalization on the silver screen. Who will play you? I hope it’s somebody attractive, because it would kind of suck if you were played by someone who wasn’t and, as a result, I was repulsed by what I saw onscreen. Don’t let that happen, baby.11. Engineers: Come In Out of the Rain
Because it’s time to welcome you to a better place. A brave new world. It’s called life with me, baby, and I invite you to settle in and make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink? I have many fine options to choose from. There are also snacks. It is a happy place.This mix should not be misinterpreted as an actual plea for affection from the imaginary, teeming masses of the interweb, but merely a glimpse into the horrifying world TheWife has decided to make her own.
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The Friday night that dripped blood
Toddler + running away from Daddy + patch of ice + sidewalk/retaining wall = Daddy standing in a daycare parking lot holding screaming toddler with 1″ gash along her eyebrow + 2 other, very upset kids in the car, not understanding what’s going on + one very memorable drive home (with 3 screaming children, 1 bleeding, 2 not)
+ one very long wait for Mommy who chose an unfortunate day to work late and get stuck in traffic + one subsequent very rapid drive to the hospital (speed limits may or may not have been taken into consideration) + four hours in our new, shiny, spacious and generally quite patient-friendly local ED, waiting for more pressing matters (e.g. heart attacks, broken bones, whatever) to be taken care of so the aforementioned toddler can finally be treated + the toddler falling asleep on Daddy as we waited, allowing Daddy to watch a terrible hockey team actually win a game + the toddler being awakened, held down by three people (including Daddy), then having an anesthetic needle jammed into her facial wound no less than three times, and then fighting nonstop as 5 stitches were installed + a long, slow drive home afterwards, signalling the beginning of yet another triumphant weekend at Chez TwoBusy.(Note: the injured party has since recovered in style, and is looking forward to sporting a rakish scar across her eyebrow in the years to come.)
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Beware the Kraken
OH. MY. GOD.
I can’t tell you how excited I am by this news. I have a strange, longstanding and profound fascination with giant squid — and now, I’m beyond thrilled to discover that something called the colossal squid is stalking the waters off Antarctica.
Here there be monsters…
